Repressed Happiness

It's been a good week.  Busy.  Exhausting.  And good.  I continued to learn this week that I repress my happiness.  I bottle up all the laughter, joy, and smiles and keep them way down inside and only let out the sadness, anger, and frustration.  Weird, right?

On Wednesday, we did an exercise in my Oscillation class where we learned to massage the belly.  Working through any possible blockages in the large intestine.  Blockages don't necessarily mean physical "stuff"... but tend to be the physical manifestations of a lot of our troubles.  We store a lot of emotion in our guts and having them massaged tends to bring it to surface.  There is one part of the massage where the masseuse gathers up all the tissue and goo that we have built up to protect our soft vulnerable little cores... and the client is asked to feel their true belly... the flat, inner, bare self.  The true uncovered, unprotected beautiful self.  Many people tend to cry at this point.

I volunteered to be the demo girl for this massage.  I laid on the table, bared my tummy, and prepared for the worst.  I was ready to start crying my eyes out - assuming I had some deep dark demons waiting to erupt.  I was wrong.  When it was my turn to feel my true tummy... I became elated.  Elation is really the only way I could describe it.  It was like a bright, warm, fuzzy, comfortable feeling... like that was where the happy Dania has been located all this time.  And it brought me right to a picture that I keep of myself from summer 2007.  I had just finished the Disney half marathon... I was healthy, I looked amazing, and I felt amazing.  I couldn't pry the smile off my face for the rest of the day.

I know I said I wouldn't linger on the past - and only look to the future.  That Disney picture is my motivation for the future.  I don't want to get back there.  I want to feel that way again.  Empowered, and for the few minutes after crossing the finish line - invincible.

After class, I addictively checked my e-mail on my iPhone... and discovered I had been selected to run in the Nike Women's Half Marathon in October.  What are the odds?  I ran this race in 2007.  I did the full marathon, loved the first half.  Hated the second half.  Entered the lottery in 2008 and I think again in 2009.  No success.  On a whim, I threw my name in the hat for this year's lottery.  Someone out there felt this was MY year to get back in the game.  Needless to say - I have a goal this year.  I will PR my fastest half and it will be at this race in October.  I have vague training plan lingering in a notebook somewhere... this weekend, I will dig it out and firm it up and get my tushie moving.

 Happy Dania is bursting at the seams and ready to run... the journey continues.

1 comment:

  1. You are an amazing person. I look forward to seeing you evolve.