5.31.2011

Excuse me, but this security blanket is wrapped a little too tight!

I had another revelation this weekend.  I seem to be having quite a few of these lately... massage, acupuncture, and meditation are apparently as therapeutic as everyone claims them to be.  About five years ago, I was in the midst of my crazy wild young adult lifestyle in Los Angeles... little regard for the future, for the repercussions of my actions, merely enjoying the moment - from moment to moment.  It was fun.  It was incredible.  I don't regret any of it... because each experience made me who I am today.

What I am starting to realize is that I go through
this pendulum swing of life about every three years or so.  (What's worse is that I am old enough that I have enough 3 year segments to go back and identify a pattern... YIKES!)  My first three years after college graduation, I was finding my way.  Trying to be that career oriented engineer that wanted to make something of herself in this big world.  Work, work, work... I made some very close friends during this time and it wasn't until the very end of this segment in time that I started to venture out, spread my own wings, and grow up.  The pendulum had started its swing in the opposite direction.  After I moved to LA, it took some time to get comfortable... but there is something in this city for everyone.  And soon enough - I found my niche.  I worked my ass off.  There were days I swore I was quitting and moving home to Texas.  But after the day was over - I partied just as hard through the evenings and early mornings.  Work hard.  Shop hard.  Play hard.  Exercise hard.  I did everything with full intensity at full throttle.  It was all about me and learning my limits.  I pushed those limits to my own extreme and right when I was at the peak of "me" - the pinnacle of my own health and fitness, involvement with friends and the community, comfort level in the big city... I met a guy.  A guy that swept me off my feet and showed me what true love is... a guy that was established, owned a home, had a very stable job, and was pretty easy on the eyes to boot.  There was a wonderful sense of security when I was with him.  Every road trip out of LA and into Kern County brought a sense of relief.  I was escaping the craziness.  The fast pace.  The good things and the bad things that waited patiently for me to return back to the South Bay.  My pendulum had once again pegged at "On The Edge" and was making its way back once again.

The next three years, I threw everything I had into this "security blanket" of a life that I saw laid out before me...  I only know how push forward with 100%.  I'm an all or nothing gal.  I relocated.  I found a new job.  Not one that I particularly enjoyed or cared about, but it was something that could anchor me in my new life... at least for a little while.  I ignored the fact (off and on) that my old activities... the good ones were going away at a rapid pace.  The hobbies, the lifestyle, the friendships... everything that I enjoyed were becoming distant memories... much like their distant location to my new home.  But the payoff was stability.  Safety and security.  All things that I was never able to guarantee for myself in the years prior.  I got married.  I got out of debt.  I live in a home with a backyard and two incredible dogs.  They are my babies and I spoil them rotten because I hope to bring them as much joy as they bring to me.  I still struggle to find hobbies and friendships that give me a sense of purpose... but when I curl up on the couch in a heated (or air-conditioned) living room next to 160 pounds of fur and tails... and my husband... I let that frustration slide and push it aside for as long as I can.

My revelation this weekend is that I somehow managed to wrap my security blanket a little too tight.  I've started to strangle myself... stifle my own being in hiding behind everything that is safe and okay.  I'm caught up in my own fears of bringing about the challenges that I had years back... I am choking on my own constraints.  All the choices I made to protect myself, to enter into a comfortable, calm life are no longer feeling as great as they used to.  The pendulum has pegged once again.  Three years since the last time.

So here I sit... contemplating what are my next steps?  Where do I belong?  The greatest moments of my week are when I wake up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready for school and board the train to LA.  The adventure, the unknown... the "what next"... they bring about a feeling of finding my purpose once again.  I don't like being wrapped up too tight in my sheets... I'm a "no tuck" gal.  I like to swirl the sheets around.  School is amazing.  Slowly finding the things I enjoy once again has ignited something in my core.  My pendulum is on the downswing and life is shifting... to where and how?  I don't know yet, but I am excited to find out.  I have one arm broken free from my swaddling cloth and am slowly untucking my way out.  Don't get me wrong... I'm going to hang on to my security blanket for dear life.  I like knowing its there... but with one hand firmly gripping on, I am reaching out into life's abyss with the other hand... as far as I can possibly touch.

When I graduated college, my fifth grade math teacher gave me a Star of David pendant and a little note that said I would make a big mark in this world.  I've never forgotten that note.  And that burning desire to leave my mark is what drives me to find my way once again.  I certainly can't let Miss Timms down, now can I?  Failure is never an option.

And the journey continues...

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