5.27.2011

"Please be responsible for the energy you bring into this space"

I've been taking mental notes for about three weeks on what I want to communicate on here... this is definitely becoming a much deeper introspective journal than I had originally intended.  Good for me.  Juicy gossip and Dania drama for you.  With all the mental notes piling up, today's series of events led to the one mental note that toppled the stack and finally got me to sit down and piece out what's been going on in life.

I'm going to start by saying - I'm not an Oprah die-hard.  I'm cool with Oprah... I've watched her show from time to time through the years - but she wasn't a regular on my DVR and I've only recently subscribed to her magazine because I love her shopping recommendations.  And I got a Groupon - an entire year for $10.  Deal.  What has impacted me the most about Oprah is that in the few times that I have watched - the show is always timely with a message that I feel was directed right at me.  I know this is what Oprah does... she's one heck of a heartstring maestro for women all over the world.  For whatever reason, I watched the very final episode of her show yesterday.  Oprah was reviewing clips from her 25 years on air and the one that struck me, again and again was of Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor explaining her experience in the hospital after having a stroke.  The one thing she was most receptive to was people's energy and she spoke of how critical it was that the doctors and people that came into her hospital room brought with them only a positive connecting energy.  She was so in tune with the energy people brought with them that it had a huge impact on how they personally would make her feel.

I feel like very few of us are ever lucky enough to be that in touch with that level of energy perception.  That in tune with WHY we feel the way we do around certain people... be it good, bad, frustrated... its not just our own energy - it is their energy as well.  Oprah showed a picture yesterday of the little sign that Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor sent... "Please be responsible for the energy you bring into this space."  Pluck.  Pluck.  That's Oprah striking my chord.

Click here for the Oprah Finale piece on Dr. Taylor.

What I have started to realize is that this journey... my personal journey... is actually taking place from the inside out.  There is a huge box of Dania pieces that were lost, broken, and set aside that I am slowly picking up and bandaging back together.  It is by reevaluating these partial and mended pieces that I am able to look at my actions, my words, and my energy through newly focused lenses.  I am able to clearly identify what is truly important, what is not so important, and what I need in this life to thrive and be the woman God created me to be.

Today was the first day that I took ownership of the energy that I brought with me everywhere I went.  Both awesome and atrocious.  The day started out very well... my husband gave up his entire day to spend a few hours with me in the morning and afternoon.  I made great effort to communicate with him how important that his presence was to me.  I continued to assure him that the gift of his time was very special.  Positive, flowing energy?  Check.

In class today, we spent the entire time going through Swedish massage drills.  A sequence of moves that will typically and easily take nearly two hours had to be crammed into a mere 50 minutes today.  Three people at a table - 1 proctor.  1 client.  1 therapist.  All started okay... I was in control of my own energy.  Comfortable with most of the sequences and a focus on strictly my client - all seemed to be moving well.  What happened next was the beginning of a terrible,  horrible, no good, very bad afternoon.  Our teacher continued to chime in our ear how much time we had left.  What?  I have to flip her over in five minutes?  But I've only finished one of her legs!  Calm productive energy quickly slipped into nervous uncontrolled energy.  I squished a foot.  Shook an arm too vigorously.  This clearly began to impact my client - who I am sure could feel me tense up.  Her energy shifted.  The proctor was ultimately zero help.  I fumbled through the parts of the sequence I didn't know... trying to get through a series of strokes that I had just learned two days ago.  I'm barely getting through the motions, without even being able to give any full effort to connecting with my client or the process... I quickly slip into hypercritical self-criticism and doubt, my client is trying to provide constructive feedback, my proctor is standing in her own space with all my notes, my teacher is behind me indicating we only have a few minutes left to finish and it became too much for me.  Too much mixed energy.  Too much tension.  It was a split second away from being explosive.  I had two options at that point... my first and most comfortable inclination was to tell everyone within arms reach to please shut the eff up (or in the proctor's case - SAY SOMETHING!  HELP ME!).  But since this is massage therapy and I would fast regret that choice... my second choice was to take a deep breath, excuse myself, and get outside into a neutral space where I could regroup, establish a new (albeit shallow) sense of calm and return to the room without the negativity that had been heaping up for the past 47 minutes.

Needless to say, by putting my efforts into the negativity after the afternoon events... I let that filter into my emotions and I turned to poo-poo food to make me feel better for the day.  Not feeling so much better now.  I accept responsibility for the decisions I made today.  Before I go to bed, I will ensure that I make an extremely conscious effort to only go through tomorrow with the type of energy that I would want to expose my friends and loved ones to... and pray in turn that like energies find their way to me.  When the inside is healthy and thriving, the outside will soon follow suit.

Tomorrow will be a good day.  A day of responsibility and owning up to what I carry with me into someone else's space.  I may not be able to control other people's actions... but I can control my reactions.  And that is all that matters.

I am focused on becoming a centered-self.  Because when I am centered, I am a much greater asset to the rest of the world... be it friends, family, or just people I happen to sit next to on the train. 

Woosah.

1 comment: